Heart to Heart… and other body parts

Sex, consent and silence among Kenyan adolescents and youth.

Hello, and thank you for coming back to part 2 of this conversation. Last time, we opened the conversation and now let’s dive in a bit deeper. Let’s talk about the things that we never discussed the grooming, myths behind sex, consent and why sex ed must start way before puberty.

Myths and misconceptions.

From the anonymous survey, I was able to collect several myths and misconceptions.

• That FGM reduces the urge for sex and since I went through it I felt worthless all the time
• Sex was about dominance and power rather than connection and love
• You can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex
• “pull-out” method is a reliable form of birth control
• STIs only happen to people who sleep around.
• You’ll know what to do when the time comes.

Just to mention a few…..

I’m sure there is way more. All these are false and very dangerous. But they are all preventable. Myths spread when there is a vacuum of truth. When you have no one to tell you the truth, you will find something to fill that gap. This results in heavy consequences. With many girls dropping out of school due to early pregnancy, there is a lot of trauma and sexual violence.

Grooming….

Even in the early stages of adulthood, no one told me about grooming. I didn’t understand it, didn’t even know it existed. ‘Grooming is when an adult or older teen builds trust with a younger person with the purpose of later abusing or exploiting them.’

This is how grooming typically works:

• Targeting- The groomer identifies a vulnerable individual.
• They will gain their trust and build a relationship. They will act understanding, friendly and supportive. Offering gifts, attention, or even help with their problems entirely. The aim here is to become a central figure in their life, sometimes even going further to gain the trust of the victim’s family and friends to reduce suspicion.
• Then, isolation, where the groomer tries to separate the victim from their usual support network.
• The groomer will then slowly start introducing them to inappropriate behaviors and making them seem normal and desensitizing the victim to what is happening. Start to tell the victim that this is ‘our secret’.
• Once the victim is isolated and manipulated, the groomer starts to control, often by threats, guilt, shame or blackmail. This stage leads to the abuse itself.

Grooming can happen anywhere, online and in person. The groomer can be a stranger, but most often it’s someone who knows the victim. It’s a gradual process that has devastating and long-lasting effects. Because we were never taught how to identify manipulation, many survivors blame themselves. And the truth is, the community will always blame the victim, asking questions like: why did you go to his house, why were you texting each other? But it’s never the younger person’s fault.

Start early….

Contrary to popular belief, teaching sex-ed at an early age doesn’t corrupt children; it protects them. Sex education is not only the biology of it all, it’s the emotions, relationships, sexuality and health. It encompasses physical, social and emotional well-being. It aims to equip individuals with the knowledge, skills, attitudes and values necessary to make responsible choices about their relationships and sexual health.

Evidence has shown that appropriate and age-appropriate sex education leads to young people initiating sexual activity later, and when they do, they practice it safely.

This can be:

• Ages 2 to 5- teaching about the correct names of body parts, appropriate and inappropriate touch.
• Ages 5 to 8- teaching about the different forms of inappropriate behaviours, including bullying and the concept of personal space.
• Ages 9 to 12- puberty, physical and emotional changes, understanding healthy relationships and learning how to communicate.
• Ages 12 to 15- consent, sexual health and understanding healthy relationships.
• Ages 15 to 18+- relationships, contraception. STIs, peer pressure.

One thing that should be continuously emphasised across the board is digital safety. The online space has become a notorious breeding ground for abusers, and we need to make sure children are safe there as well, especially if they interact with the internet a lot. This includes taking precautionary measures and putting parental controls. The lessons should evolve with age, but they must start early. Silence leaves room for abuse.

Rewriting the future….

So, what does a better future look like:

• Teaching consent as early as possible.
• Normalising conversations about our bodies at home.
• Training teachers and parents to talk about sex in the right way and with clarity, confidence and compassion.
• Having more conversations beyond pregnancy and STIs.

It’s about understanding our bodies, our rights and our choices, all about having more open and honest conversations. Education yields resilience. We can unlearn.

Sex education is not a one-time talk but rather a continuous conversation. One that is centred on truth, dignity, and safety.

That’s it for this month’s heart-to-heart conversation. If you enjoyed this post, don’t forget to like and share with your circle. Leave a comment to help us engage more. Until next time……

References.

Goldfarb, E.S. and Lieberman, L.D. (2021) ‘Three decades of research: The case for comprehensive sex education’, Journal of Adolescent Health, 68(1), pp. 13–27. doi: 10.1016/j.jadohealth.2020.07.036.